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LUKE JOHNSON
Continuing its successful strategy of
delivering exceptional spiritual content to
audiences around the planet the
Walter Elias Disney Company has
recently agreed to purchase the Bible in
a simple stock and cash transaction which
promises to combine a world-class portfolio of
character-enriching content such
as the immensely popular New Testament series with
Disney’s unique and unparalleled ability to
‘shift a shitload of product on a global scale’ said
a spokesperson for the company’s marketing division who
also labelled the deal a ‘truly historic moment the
biggest day in the history of religion but
a bit of a disappointing outcome if
you’re a diehard fan of the original series still
stuck on some quaint piece from the 00s where
it’s puppets cutting the heads off other puppets for
a hundred and twenty-five minutes running and
in all that time no one even gets their insides melted with
a laser or green-screened onto a river of
really realistic lava but
we’re somehow supposed to believe it all actually happened?!? well
just you wait until you see this new trailer that’s
been released for the upcoming John the Baptist film in
which you ain’t never seen special effects like this it’s
like you’re pretty much actually literally there’ said
this spokesperson representing the marketing division of
the Walter Elias Disney Company which
operates out of an abandoned amusement park on
the other side of the Pacific Ocean or
‘A long time ago in galaxy far, far away’ as
people will no doubt come to think of it some
two thousand and twenty-one earth years from
now.