Disney to Acquire The Bible Ltd.

Continuing its successful strategy of

delivering exceptional spiritual content to

audiences around the planet the

Walter Elias Disney Company has

recently agreed to purchase the Bible in

a simple stock and cash transaction which

promises to combine a world-class portfolio of

character-enriching content such

as the immensely popular New Testament series with

Disney’s unique and unparalleled ability to

‘shift a shitload of product on a global scale’ said

a spokesperson for the company’s marketing division who

also labelled the deal a ‘truly historic moment the

biggest day in the history of religion but

a bit of a disappointing outcome if

you’re a diehard fan of the original series still

stuck on some quaint piece from the 00s where

it’s puppets cutting the heads off other puppets for

a hundred and twenty-five minutes running and

in all that time no one even gets their insides melted with

a laser or green-screened onto a river of

really realistic lava but

we’re somehow supposed to believe it all actually happened?!? well

just you wait until you see this new trailer that’s

been released for the upcoming John the Baptist film in

which you ain’t never seen special effects like this it’s

like you’re pretty much actually literally there’ said

this spokesperson representing the marketing division of

the Walter Elias Disney Company which

operates out of an abandoned amusement park on

the other side of the Pacific Ocean or

‘A long time ago in galaxy far, far away’ as

people will no doubt come to think of it some

two thousand and twenty-one earth years from